I'm at a Mexican Walmart. Wish you were here.
I swear she didn't look like that last week.
worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
Mother fucker, I knew it was bad when you tried making out with my car window
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I woke up knowing I have nowhere to be today except parties and it was glorious and I am so happy
I might have been the first person in 2015 to throw up on a yellow cab before climbing in it.
COVER ME IN BACON THATS MY FETISH
ACTUALLY ITS NOT, I HAVE NO FUCKING IDEA WHAT AWAKENS THE MONSTER BELOW THE BELT
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
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