We're facebook friends in real life
Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
For real. Like, if I ever had to choose a last meal, I would just choose to get high and eat whatever was around.
Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
So I found "Fat chicks in saran wrap" in my search history.
That's all you talk about when you are wasted.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
THEIR PENISES MATCH. I JUST REALISED THAT. THEY HAVE IDENTICAL DICKS. OH GOD.
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
I just woke up with a cowboy hat on my face and a playboy from the 90s on my chest
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