dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
Just saw remains of her puke from last night on my pants.... thats got "Apology BJ" written all over it.
Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The worse part is i sent a text at like three that said i was getting head... Now i have no idea who's mouth has been on my dick
Want updates from david's night out drinking? If so text back DAVID to this number. Std rates apply.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
OH MY GOD! I CAN FEEL A PULSE IN MY BALLS IT HURTS! ITS LIKE MINI FEMINIST NINJAS ARE ATTACKING MY BALLS!!!
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
We duck taped Dave to a rolling chair and shoved him in the bed of the truck then took off for a bit.. We didn't explain it that way when the nurse asked what happened though.
he fell asleep naked and all I'm doing is staring at his weird balls
That said I did get head on the roof of a 15 story building which, regardless of quality, is still cool
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Randomize
