I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.
Everything smells like syrup. But I guess that's better than last time when everything smelled like beer.
he just payed for our date, after telling him I was leaving early to meet my fuck buddy. is there something lower than friendzone I can stick this guy in?
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...
He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
My little brother found me on Instagram. If I'm not already the shame of my family, I'm about to be.
All I'm saying is that if you have time for a 20 min shower bj you have time for me
Why would you keep yourself in a sharting situation
decided to jump from one of the levels of the Westin chicago Nortghwest. it was worth the broken legs.
You poured 151 in your eye, ran face first into a tree, fell down, then threw a lawn chair at the dog...all before passing out in the hallway and pissing yourself. There is no way to redeem yourself.
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
I accidentally put Bacardi in my coffee this morning. I ain't even mad.
Randomize
