3:47a: I take it you're not on your way over
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
Anyhow, I am sorry for being obnoxious about wanting more sex and forcing you to eat lunchmeat off of my ginormous nipples. I knew that you weren't going to succumb to my pushy demands
I don't go out. I live in my room watching Bridget Jones and thanking my vibrator for existing.
Anyways, he came over at 3:30 am and ate me out while I ate pizza on the counter
Have you ever looked death in the face and have the urge to shit yourself. I'm in that situation right now.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Ive got small boobs, but they sure do like to pop out and party with the big dogs.
He told me that he had never gotten a blow job. I sat there for a second, then thought "I MUST FIX THIS!" It was fucking fantastic.
Flight got cancelled. Stayed in the same hotel as the flight crew so now I can cross Sex with Pilot off the bucket list
He regularly flies into DC, so I’m going to sign him up for my Frequent Flyer program!
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Randomize