Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Riding home in a carseat. Worst. Night. Ever.
As of this morning, vodka still has the other side of my BFF necklace. She treats me right.
watchout when you come home, dougs at the top of the stairs naked eating doritos
Her facebook status is 'PERCS ON DECKKK~' which is probably why she still lives with her parents.
ok... i just had to be reminded that people in animal costumes were feeding me shots at the bar.
his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
She just left someone a voicemail saying 'you better not have plans Saturday night, cause I'm going to sit on your face.'
You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
So if he doesn't show up do we eat his birthday cake? Because I'm stoned and wrestling is on. What's the proper protocol
Actually I really wish that I was drinking so I could ask him for breakup sex and then later blame it on my alcoholic tendencies. Maybe tomorrow instead.
Randomize
