Were we dating when my roommates and I had the 'everyone gets laid' part?
Ya
I used to kick so much ass
I just walked into his bathroom to see two poops floating... no toilet paper. WTF!?
he recorded me cumming with the t-pain app on his iphone
you came back at 4am in a suit jacket and a half eaten burrito...
Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby
Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Now that I've quit blow, I think I'm allergic to my cat....
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
Probably going to live on vodka sodas and fireball shots
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
Randomize
