Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties
You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.
I don't know what he did to me, but he did it wrong. I think my pelvis is broken. I cant even drive without it hurting. What. The. Fuck.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.
She poured beer through the deck into the hot tub. She called it a deck shot. It was horrifying but super awesome at the same time.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Dude just texted me asking if I could drive 45 mins for a quickie dude use your hand
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
You know you're good at multi-tasking if you can get a lap dance from someone while simultaneously eating a burrito.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
I just upped my southern womanhood. Taking whiskey and Kleenex pocket packs to the funeral.
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