I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
Someone is in my phone as "fireball girl" and keeps texting me. How do I go about finding out who it is?
We told you to go get more fire wood and you came running back with a log that was on fire, not drunk at all.
And you will no longer be getting a thank you note from my vagina
That's the last time I send a mass text invitation to smoke a blunt
I have never appreciated strippers so much. Ma'am, you are an artist
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
I'm drinking vodka out of a water bottle at work. Am I really the best person to come to for life advice?
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
The first thing my Christmas gift money is buying is a dildo.
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