I'm really into asian looking animals
If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.
I filled this oven with as much Pizza as I could, and I've been eating out of it for three days.
Just ate the last piece. Refilling the oven.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I just want to have normal problems like what kind of puppy to get, or should I pay a hooker to fuck Scott, or even a dilemma about fucking Twizzlers. I don't know.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
I fucking hate tequila. Tequila makes me hate pants.
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
Is there anything more American than getting day drunk and watching Hulk Hogan promos?
Omg. I just remembered my underwear is in my wallet
I love you even if you are fucked up. If you fall, i'll just get on top of you.
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