everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Well, there goes the no drunk sex injuries resolution.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
He's such a champ. He puked on purpose just so he'd be coherent enough to roll this blunt
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Apparently being drunk on a southwest flight and yelling "TURNUP" during take off is looked down upon in this state.
Then, right before he came he said "I want to buy you so many things!" What the fuck?!
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
My manager just held my hair while I threw up in a dumpster. New low.
You came out of your room naked under your open robe with a mouth full of brownie on a stick and grabbed a fistful of fruit loops and shoved them into your already full mouth.
Don't be hating on my everclear. Never taken a smoother journey into intoxication.
I told him I just left the convent and really wanted a man. He fell for it. Sure beats telling him I'm a nympho stalker that followed him to the bar when I saw his beard.
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
And on the way out from Applebee's he tried to take the basket of toothpicks claiming he was using them as a tax write off. Last time I babysit my dad on thirsty Thursday.
Randomize
