turns out the website for Dick's Sporting goods is not "dicks.com". It was a win either way.
adderall flavored popcorn. yes we did it and its awesome
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
We found a swing set....it's in the front yard.
I woke up on your bathroom floor, i used your towel I found laying on the floor as a cape to get to your bed. I thought it would help me walk straight if I looked like a superhero
I'm instituting a new rule. If you wake me up at 3am about wrinkled blankets, I get to throat punch you
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
75% of my food budget goes to wine, the rest to chips and salsa.
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
Watching Colbert Report and porn at the same time.
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
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