she's like "i'm so proud of u" ... and then i threw up on myself
Sorry I couldn't answer your call, I'm expecting a call from Chris Hansen.
I'm guessing you didn't end up going to the bar last night.
Nope. Ended up at what I believe was a slumber party down the street.
I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.
It would just be icing on the fucked up cake we're baking, if he got me pregnant.
My nonexistent future grandchildren will one day ask me when I knew I'd lost control of my life. And now I know.
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I think he knows I took a picture of him. Why I don't get punched in the face more often is anyone's guess.
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
I find nice boys who are in extremely long term relationships with nice girls, wait for them to break up, and sneak in for the rebound fucking.
You are like a terrifying jaguar of sex. Predatory.
Randomize
