Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I woke up on a boat next to an extremely attractive man wearing nothing but a life jacket. Neither one of us owns a boat...
I've had sex to the movie Tommy Boy too many times to be acceptable.
Hello my rib-scented angel!
Don't worry I sent a creepy stalker message to a guy I slept with 6 years ago, Sunday Funday rock bottom
A guy I hooked up with YEARS ago just endorsed me on LinkedIn for "customer service".
He showed up soaking wet with a flashlight and a ping pong ball. I couldn't say no
Well we've always known you have a weakness for guys with balls in their hands
I am drunk shake weighting right now.
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
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