dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
you woke up, pulled a beer bottle out of your pants..took a drink and went back to sleep.
I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.
I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
I realized I'm gonna have to fit cheating on my gf, sleeping with my gf and having dinner with her parents all into one Sunday evening
i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.
You refused to get in the cab so we rock paper scissored to decide who walked you home and the fat guy was it. So don't blame your poor hook-up choice on me; it was all you.
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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