I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.
Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.
Passed out in a rocking chair on her porch. Woke up to the tow truck taking away my car.
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
so gross sitting on a warm chair at a restaurant..you just know a fat person was sitting there shoveling food into their face for hours.
He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
I started dipping tositos in my screwdriver last night
then apparently I went "not bad" and continued
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
She grabbed the other one and started playing tug-o-war against the blonde chick. I told you getting my nipples pierced was a good idea
Pooping in a box is not fun. You're not a cat.
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
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