Is there a reason "Call me when you're legal" is written on my arm? I'm 22..
The cops found weed in michael jacksons house today...it makes up for the child molesting, I like him more now.
He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.
judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?
we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
If you're going to drink sriracha straight from the bottle whilst crying, at least wear the giant sombrero for the enjoyment of your audience.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
We're too hungover to prance.
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
I made out with him in the club and he endorsed me on Linkedin. My networking skills are off the charts.
Randomize
