Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
next time dont tell jokes :) miss bonerkill
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
I'm babysitting my fucking roommate he took out the screen and is trying to throw dishware in our fucking pool after he repelled off our balcony
Well tech shes born nov 12, but since her head was out on the 11th, she claims both days as her birthday
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
Well, that was my first dog walk of shame. Nothing says "I've got my life together" like an inside out shirt and a baggie full of dog shit.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Also if i get drunk and start crying about the elephants you all have my permission to abandon me.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
Fuck it, I'm going to make my own dick pic album since iOS 10 won't do it for me.
I made her pull the car over 5 times to puke because she was going to fast, apparently she was only going 30mph...
Randomize
