My grandmother just called to say she disowned me. Apparently I uploaded a video to Youtube of me dancing nude with a blow-up doll named Dorothy, last night. You are so fired from being damage control.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...
I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship
Vaginas creep me out. I'm disgusted by the look of them. I wonder if this is what having an ugly baby is like: you have to take care of it and love it but it just hurts you on the inside to look at it.
Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.
So question, would you consider it morally wrong to grind up Cialas and put it in ones cocktail? Then I get what I want and he doesn't have to be embarrassed and he can win the mental game with himself? I'm only thinking of him...
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO BE A DRUNK WHEN ALL MY ENABLERS ARE BUSY?!
We've had gay sex and pie, the holiday season has officially begun.
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Randomize
