I dont abuse you, i just hit you while we have sex
I could write a book called "things that come out of my vagina"
The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up
Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
He said his penis was a 1 woman penis with a conscience an I was that woman...technically a declaration of commitment rite?
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
like are we talking 'quick beer' bad or 'break out the real vodka' bad
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
I wanna hang out. The cats don't talk back.
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
