I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
The weekend is off to a good start: she just got into a verbal fight with a hobo. Nearly a fist fight.
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
And then I told him since the day he walked away to get over what I went through he lost the boyfriend right to ask why my bed is broken.
I take full pride in being the one that broke ur bed. Want to go for the sofa?
That works. I won't care. I'll be a mermaid. Mermaids don't give a fuck.
Especially drunk mermaids.
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I'm trying to get laid this Halloween, not inspire the next season of AHS
I'm all about clean living these days
You started your day with fried chicken and a bloody
... after you woke up in your own urine
I need to show you how I feel about you by fucking you repeatedly.
You kept singing "your gonna lose that girl" to him right in front of her.. of course you got punched in the face.
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Randomize
