I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy
go home
Well today was Thanksgiving Anti-Miracle Daydrinkathon so I had to be drunk by 2pm
There was a reason that "Throat Warrior 2011" was written on my martini glass. He said my title was undisputed.
All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."
I sang "A Whole New World" while I took his virginity
That is awesome that you did that.
She's cute. And her snoring noises remind me of the incidental music from Jaws.
Just got high and apologized to my vagina for getting chlamydia
We are so drunk half our team had to bowl with a chaperone. We won every game. We drink
Rome wasn't built in a day - my bedroom skills weren't obtained in some boring monogamous relationship. Same thing. Right?
The body is still out there. I don't think my trainer realized when he asked me not to drink for 24 days, how often I see dead people
You were trying to be sexy by spraying your contact solution on your chest and telling me to lick it off
Ccatlin cimbing thru th sunroof plz come
Randomize
