if I end up fighting someone to save $15 on a toaster oven then something went wrong earlier in life
corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing
I couldn't walk, so he carried me all the way home; and then I told him that I wasn't drunk enough to fuck him. Poor kid.
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...
Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car
Invited the whole bar back to my place for an after party.....shit got real with everyone seeing dad drink moonshine like a champ.
I'm taking myself to the hospital right now b/c there is no way this erection is subsiding in the next 4 hours.
correction: my vagina hates that I'm smart.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Do you remember telling those ppl that they need to mate and give you the baby and in 15 years you will all reunite and it will be a party?
Randomize
