Saw 2 former students outside gas station. gave me money to buy 2 12 packs, asked if I wanted to go to their party.
I told them I had a gf and took one of the 12 packs. Come over.
Texas should really raise its teaching standards.
I hope mine doesn't look like that
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
question: does your pee smell like mojitos at all?
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
Do they mail horrible human being awards or do I have to pick it up or what's the protocol on that shit
I hate you so much right now. You got us kicked out of my favorite bar because your drunk ass was hogging the Bluetooth jukebox and would play NOTHING but that goddamn skeleton song. IT'S NOT EVEN OCTOBER YET.
Spopky scrzy skeletonssz
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
There was one thing about my NYC trip I forgot to tell you: I took a dump in Trump Tower
He's smoked my weed, stolen my cigarettes, and used my campus cash, but I try to initiate sex and NOWWW he's all "As your RA, that's a line I can't cross"
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
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