I had a dream once that juice was flowing out of my kitchen faucet
Judging by what's in the bathroom right now, I see you graced us with your presence last night.
Your lack of a response has proven you've clearly forgotten how crazy I am.
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Breakfast-of-shame with my mother. I was in half of a sexy Mad Hatter costume. We had artisan bagels and judgement.
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I plan on showing these boobs to so many people that by the end of it ill just have a shirt of beads.
She sneezed like 10 times, put her head down on the table and then laid down on their couch and fell asleep. In the middle of the dominoes game. I'll never understand why my dad continues to provide my mom wine.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
oh.. my GOD my dad just text me... "i need a naked women" ........... help?
Randomize
