woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
I knew something was wrong when santa got arrested
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
U have to come, I miss the sound of you throwing up.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Desperation looks like a $1 bottle of vodka and warm Cuban tap water.
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
So i know i said I'm turning over a new leaf, but i met a guy with a dick piercing. I have to sleep with him. For science.
Wanna have a sleepover and take me to court in the morning?
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
Randomize
