I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.
You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
Concert was great. Tackled the lead singer. Met him afterwards. He was cool about it.
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
I never thought I would have to put a band-aid on my penis.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
You sluts I'm so proud of you. You're both wearing underwear.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
Randomize
