I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.
So, do you know where my left shoe is? I mean, we were at a few places last night, and I called them. No luck for me.
Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.
Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.
Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
Is this girl REALLY making a smoothie in the bathroom right now?
....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.
i'll fuck you during the next apocalypse. promise
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
