Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"
Well that's the thing. He does want to take me out... To a strip club. I see this going down a very bad road but you know I'm going to go.
It's not really the holidays until I raid the medicine cabinet. Happy hydrocodone to me
And a merry methadone to all
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
just woke up on my patio with a mouse eating cheetos off mys chest. youre all assholes.
The UTI came back with a vengeance.
Made it to my hair appointment on time, and got some dick. Today is already a great day
My plan to hit on all your friends went to shit after the 3rd dirty martini.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
