I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
recess is on disney at 4 in the morning, insomnia has never been so rewarding
Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
That's what my new years consisted of. Consoling heartbroken girls and having people throw up in my hands.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Welcome to the club of "Sick of cleaning up actual shit." We meet on the 3rd Sunday of each month. Bring your ceremonial viking helmet.
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
What'd I miss?
Erotic hypnosis and studded dog collars.
I passed out with the lights and tv on woke up at 4am SO confused and covered in goldfish so I ate them and went back to bed.. fuck xanax
Attention, i sprayed windex on me to disguise the scent of sex and regret off my clothes from last night
I just woke up and my ass is covered in honey and my eye brows are shaved off.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
Seeing her tonight. She doesn't want dinner, just wants me to come over for awhile. My penis just sent me a thank you card.
Randomize