white trash or talent: driving, 1 hand on the wheel, 1 holding a cell phone & talking & smoking without using hands..in an old beater pickup..
Both
I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.
judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril
I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
Speaking is such a hard concept right now
you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
I can't even masturbate without crying fuck this break up
All's fair in love and war. and tinder.
Dude, we got to the strip club as they were closing, and you starting crying because, and I quote, "This is the closest to birthday sex I'm gonna get."
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
My new dentist just kinda stared at me when I told him that I used to have partial dentures after breaking 2 teeth while beating the shit out of someone, until I puked them into the toilet and flushed them after getting high and making myself undercooked mac and cheese.
HAMMERED.. I made a peanut butter and jelly sandwich with toilet paper instead of bread...
Randomize
