That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
dude. i just ate tomato soup with a funnel. we're out of spoon-straws.
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I woke up with my name tag for work still on my shirt. It was a rough night.
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
Who knew I could feel anymore shameful at the bar than i usually do...I think my bartender recognizes me from the walk of shame out of his house after i hooked up with his son yesterday
I got myself off in the shower last night for the first time ever! I just looked like I was playing a game of twister.
DONT YOU DARE YELL AT ME. YOU'RE THE ONE WHO TRIED TO PAY FOR THE CAB WITH YOUR PANERA REWARDS CARD.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
i should probably stop doing things just because i think they’re funny. i’m not going to.
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
