just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
well that was a long night...
dude, you were pretty messed up... what happened?
no idea... but i still woke up with my pirate hat on
I think the phrase "baptist college" should be an oxymoron.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.
Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.
She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
I'm gonna give the church their tithe, and the rest is a down payment on boobs.
We watched Purple Rain and then proceeded to have sex while listening to the album. If that's not exactly how Prince would want people to honor him, I don't know what is
We made out in front of everyone INCLUDING his girlfriend. And no one saw. THAT DRUNK!
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