I find it ironic that homeless people are so good in bed
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
If for any reason you were wondering if i was going to vomit at the airport today, the answer is yes.
I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.
I think winning the long island race means you lose at life
I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Everybodys gonna want to make out w me dressed as big bird
Big bird is like some childhood daddy fantasy come true for carnival
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Isis wins if we don't have the loudest, kinkiest sex in every part of my house tomorrow
he drank half a bottle of bushmills, stood up to pee over the side, pissed his pants, sat in the puddle on the deck, told me my life goals were stupid and impossible, and wouldn't leave until 5am. by the time I got up at 8 I had 4 texts and 2 fb messages from him. AND HE STILL THINKS IT WENT WELL
Drunk me left sober me a shower beer in expectation of Hurricane Harvey. Drunk me is the best.
roommate singing save a horse ride a cowboy wearing a cowboy hat a bikini and jeans while humping the couch.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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