I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
Drunk in a bar in Texas. The 24 y/o hottie I am chatting up just called me a male cougar. I am dealing with this whole turning 40 thing juuuust fine.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
My dick was out way too much saturday not to get laid
Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
I think all three of us just need to suck it up and go to lunch with him to keep our bar tab down
I need your opinion, is it ACTUALLY sweet that a booty call offered to walk me home with an umbrella because it was raining, or is that just low standards?
Another thing to add to the list of things not to do while I'm drunk......explain to the upstairs neighborr how to have quiet orgasams......she now thinks I want to be part of a threesome......fuck my life
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
