Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!
you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
It's 6 am and I've spent the last few hours searching for a cork screw or suitable substitute. You had none. Incidentally, I finally opened this bottle of wine, but owe you a new meat sticky thing with those two prongs. Sobriety is not good for me. Or your utensils.
We where late for the party because we spent the last hour staring at a towl becase we thought it was a raccoon
and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.
Im officially canceling McCormick Monday. I got a raise.
Sooo grey goose Tuesday?????
but it was less of a make out and more of a goodnight kiss as a "thanks for giving our drunk asses a ride home and sorry we called your bar the worst bar in LA"
OMG THE KID WHO TRIED TO MAKE OUT AT THE BAR WITH ME IS SITTIG NEXT TO ME IN THE AIRPORT. WHY LIFE WHY???
the first cop to show up was this girl who hooked up with our home ec teacher in high school, she knows about questionable decisions
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
Well sure, my hetero side is thrilled, but my gay side is soooo judging
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
