Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.
Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.
She just took the bottle of jager to the bathroom and locked the door. Now I hear the water running..if the house floods she's paying for it
I am sitting on the couch "eating" a frozen big bucket margarita with a spoon.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
Haha ohman remember when I peed in your blender? Gotta love college.
YOU DID WHAT???
You HAVE to stop telling me about the shit you do drunk. I can't be both your brother AND your gay friend.
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
I've been getting a lot of emails from patron lately for being a great customer. Is that awesome, or should I start thinking about seeking help?
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
Do you think Root Touch Up or Just for Men would work better on pubes?
can I CTRL ALT DELETE this universe
Randomize
