I had a dream last night that we were eating cake at Mercy...hahaha. I'm furious I didn't see you.
I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.
His response today determines what state my vagina will be in this weekend.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
My concierge just asked me to his place for dinner while I was signing for a delivery. The delivery was a box of vibrators. Let's discuss.
THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS
excuse me?
I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.
My boss followed me on Twitter. Excuse me while I delete 90% of my tweets
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
Every time our eyes meet, I silently summon him to my vagina.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
When campus security rolled up he stole their car and drove it like 100 feet. Then he walked up and gave back the keys because it was a hyundai.
Randomize
