dude, i think i am in a porno. I was working out at the hotel gym and some chick was doing yoga and a guy comes up and says "good, now i know your flexible" then they started making out. WTF?
Went to mcdonalds... Wishing I could throw up the last 20 hours of my life.
You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?
Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
Your mother liked my album on facebook that's only filled with drunk pictures. I don't know what to feel about this
nothing like having plan b for breakfast in a cvs parking lot before ordering this semester's textbooks
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I never thought I would be saying these words but...when did David Spade get hot?
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
So vagazzling was a success
I think everyone at the office can tell I'm dehydrated
you mean still drunk
I've heard it both ways
I'm hungry and horny. DEADLY COMBINATION.
Randomize
