mom just found 19 empty wine bottles in my closet. i hate spring cleaning
Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.
Some girl at the bar was showing us her chipped tooth as a pick up line.
So me and him are making out, and the other two are on the couch behind us. he randomly stops kissing me and goes "oh god I think she just took off her shirt" I look behind me and I see her tits flapping up and down. This man has amazing senses..
I am 100% planning on being drunk on Wednesday. This is America. Work or no work.
You can't just leave with hair like that
Sobered up midsex and just went with it. After he tried cuddling and I awkwardly rolled out of the bed to find someone on the floor, apparently it was his room so he got to listen.
in that moment our bushes were one. and in that moment we were pure.
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
I don't need romance, I need cheese sticks
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
She and I had some intense sexual tension earlier when she dumped a package of apple straws all over my body.
I just found glitter glue on my jesus bracelet...am I really that gay?
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
Divorce can be hard, but look on the bright side. Your soon to be ex raved about your dick and I’m great with hard things ;-)
Randomize
