I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I wish i could 80s montage me losing weight
We left an ass print on the piano.
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
No, seriously, I've slept with 3 guys this month.
It's ok, February is a short month
You really could become the cat lady we've always dreamed of.
please come here right now, that girl who always gets her boob out is here and she brought taco bell
The problem is that you are trying to hold on to some dignity. Let it go. I hope your rash gets better.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I just formed the "shit on a tree in Chicago club." And I feel awful about it.
Remember how I made that resolution to remain celibate for 6 months? Well, I just broke that
You literally made that 4 hours ago...
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
It started with drunk jenga and ended with me simultaneously peeing and puking on his feet in the tub while he held me up. I met Tequila. I don't like her.
Every dick I’ve had or wanted in the last year is married. It’s like I became a professional home wrecker after I graduated.
Randomize
