how was that guy you hooked up with?
i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing
Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
Only in this snowstorm did have I realized the lengths I'll go to to get laid.
I don't feel bad about fucking old guys. That's what I want. It's what I likeeeeee.
NO I WOULD NOT GET A GUMMER FROM A GRANDMOTHER
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
Hungover in church. I can feel stained glass Jesus judging me.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
Should I go bust a nut on the beach
Two grav bong hits and a shower later and I'm ready for company
It's like you say things that speak to my soul on a deep personal level
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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