When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Wow my backseat really seemed a lot bigger when we were 16
Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?
Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I'm bleeding from my lower lip, and I have bruises around my neck. It was just easier to say I got mugged.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP
You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."
Threesome in a minivan. New low
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
I smoked then listened to a voicemail from my mom...I ended up yelling at my phone cause she wasn't answering me. Forgot it was a recording.
so third time im replacing the batteries on my vibrator in 2 months #sosingle....on another note though, black beauty is raring to go
We have an albino peacock in our apartment. It's beautiful.
Scratch it being beautiful, bitch just stole my McDonalds. Call animal control.
A guy in a chewbacca suit just came up to me and asked me to buy him weed.
Randomize
