Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
when you find your car can you pick me up? his mom is here and im hungover
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
i just passed a truck with a bumper sticker saying "i'd rather be cummin than strokin." god bless the midwest.
are you serious? he told me he had to cancel bc his grandma came into town
well unless his grandma is 21 and blonde, HE LIED TO YOU IDIOT
He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
There's like a dolphin trainer convention here or something. I will parlay this trip to Vegas into riding Shamu if its the last thing I do.
A dry HJ only, please. I don't deserve the comforts of lube after my horrendous fantasy football performance
Hey, thanks for not calling the cops when I answered the door naked, high as fuck, and covered in red velvet cake batter.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
We couldn't find her anywhere. Finally, I saw her sitting in my bathroom floor spraying hair mouse into her mouth and whispering "I fucking love whipped cream." WHAT DID YOU GIVE HER AND CAN I HAVE SOME?
I would totally suck a dick for some poutine right now
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