Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.
Day two of vacation and my first drink of the day is a plan b colada
By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"
I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
I yelled out look at all those hickeys. And then gave her boyfriend a high five
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
I accidentally sent him a snapchat of my boobs and now we're going on a date tomorrow... Could be worse.
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
Note to self don't stop having sex during an earthquake! I call it a 6.1 orgasm!
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
we just got sex advice from a midget. You better fucking get here.
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