I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
When your really high you cant order into a clowns mouth
I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
You made out with my dog and told me he tasted like a rainbow.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.
I love your life.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
I just love it. It's warm and soft and the rest of the world is so mean. My bed would never be mean to me
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Tonight I researched being a phone sex operator and teaching English at a French school in Africa. I think my future lacks direction
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
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