Who knew that being in a committed relationship is the same thing as forced celibacy? Did not sign up for this.
What wine goes with Cap'n Crunch?
He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
I don't talk to her anymore. I lit her birthday presents on fire. Who the fuck puts candles that close to tissue paper?
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
I HAVE A GENTLEMANLY VAGINA.
Sangria Sundays can't keep happening. Even my second grade students know I'm hungover. Benji even gave me his oreos its that bad
I just need to find a good handlebar mustache to sit on until I'm over that beard
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
He has a baby picture of himself on the night stand. I don't think this whole 'one night stand' thing is for me.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
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