he wanted to give me a nickname... my choices were superjugs,godzilla boobs or mouth of fury
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked
He wasn't eating out, he was performing a hysterectomy without a license....should I be worried about my future family?
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
So I found a skull ring inside me this morning. I'm assuming its yours, so I'll leave it in my mailbox for you - it looks expensive.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
I was hammered helping a pregnant woman at the gas station name her unborn child. We had to try everything with two different last names because she was waiting on the results of her paternity test.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
My life is over, I got a mugshot while wearing a shirt that said 'milf hunter'.
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