The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
You know it's been a rough year when your therapist mouth is just wide open. And I didn't even get to the real issue!
I made one of my coworkers cheers to me not being pregnant. I've never talked to him before tonight. Keeping it classy.
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
If we tried baptizing you I feel the water would start boiling around you.
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Cocaine and dance dance revolution for 4 hours. I consider last night a success.
I feel like I don't even know what's gonna happen when we first see each other. It'll be like explosions and glitter and a unicorn will run by pulling a sleigh of alcohol and sex.
Just made my first drink, took 2 sips feel like god
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
