I think he may have called me a bar rat, jokingly. I said i was but in a non-trashy way.
As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
So to recap Superbowl Sunday - I won $100, bumped into the anti-christ and his cult, met a guy in a kilt and a wican, then got invited to a gayguy afterhours party.
Gonna be tough to beat that next year!
He woke up in a dragon costume, covered in bong water. That was a party we will regret missing.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I swear to god if you keep eating my cats food drunk I am going to kick you out of our apartment.
'valentine' just autocorrected to 'cake robe' in my phone
I think that summarizes my life up pretty accurately
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
It's your birthday, you should get to jizz where you want to. Jizz when you want tooo
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
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