I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet
I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building
Tie
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.
she requested me as her brother on facebook.... biggest. letdown. ever.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.
I may or may not have traded your body to the rodeo's owner for free beer.
I am very happy to share that the hospital says the testicle pain is normal and that they are going to take care of it.
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.
if elf comes on TV one more time i swear to god i will smash my brains out with this fruitcake
I think I'm just gonna exercise my lungs and fingers. With bong hits and crochet. BECAUSE I AM A REAPONSIBLE ADULT DAMMIT!!
Ugh. It's days like these that make me wish my bad habits would kill me faster
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