grandma shit on top of the toilet
Taking my final with a coffee mug full of keystone... best semester ever.
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
He was sucking my nipples then stopped, looked me dead in the eyes and said "im gonna cum for my babygirl"
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
This weekend I forgot a cup, so I drank my wine out of a Pringles can. So classy. You would have been so proud.
Yeah. I woke up in an awkward three way spoon with him and his sister. Tequila!
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
Our fake lesbian relationship is better than her real relationship. Bitch be jealous
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