Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
so was this before or after i puked down the ice luge?
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...
I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles
Three guys came up to me at the bar and started dancing on me, while screaming "Johnson's girl." That's the last time I sleep with a freshmen.
As your attorney I advise you to rage rapidly
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
I was a little curious what "unspeakable" things he could possibly do to my feet
Why are we so great
Like I'm def going to a therapist but I wouldn't change a thing about us except maybe the peeing
Randomize
