I now officially know the distance between my two boobs is one twizzler.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
There was a gorilla playing an accordion outside of my last final. I miss college already.
so it turns out, not only do the doormen judge the girls I bring home, but they rate them.
You know what sound is wonderful for a hangover? Listening to the horns from the South Africans at the world cup
You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."
Best pick-up line ever!
Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.
This is embarrassing but i think i might have left my fake tooth at your house on your night stand.
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
Dude he did say "let's go cougar hunting" and you KNEW your mom was going out last night...so it's kind of your own fault for not coming
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
Randomize
