Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom
i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
Someone played tic tac toe on my abs?
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
He said something last night about making crepes, but after getting pissed on in bed, I question everything.
You have to get it done early. Like a dick drive by. Hit it and run.
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
And with the bitter taste of failure in my mouth, i am off to pub to drown it in tequila and 19 year olds, so in the morning i can add pregnancy and stds to my list of problems.
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
It took me twenty minutes to read that sentence.
All I said was okay...
I'm just trying to figure out the reason why humans wear socks....
Randomize
