i can't believe i haven't brushed my teeth. and i just kissed my grandma. I'm going to hell.
Just saw an old lady trip and stumble. Laughed. Kept Driving. I'm going to hell.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
the bar told me i would have to take an hour break so they could wash the shot glasses
I can't figure out how to get this beer bong in my carry on without airport security questioning me as it goes through the x-ray.
I woke up to a hotel manager knocking on my car ( window was down) and asking if I was ok
One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.
Idk. It's not appealing to me. Like don't get me wrong, I love ur dick A LOT but I don't want to stare at it on an iPhone screen
It's not even 6 am and I've already told my mom to fuck herself in the face
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
She's the perfect storm of great hair, big boobs, intellectualism, and mild moral ambiguity.
Like don't initiate a threesome when we're all watching SPONGEBOB. That's like sacrilege.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Randomize
