so that guy from last night texted me saying i flashed half of my extended family last night. so classy.
just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
The drugs are starting to wear off. Suddenly aware there's a girl with bald patches and 2 guys that don't have a full set of teeth between them.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
we were hooking up and then he goes "you can touch my penis" and i laughed too hard to do anything. no second date.
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
All I know for sure is, I went to bed drunk and I woke up in a relationship..I think I need to reevaluate my drinking skills.
So? Find me, fuck me, then you can go to sleep and I'll leave.
Wow. That's the most amazing thing anyone has ever said to me.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
dude I fucking saw you snort tequila
Randomize
