The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Swine flu. Run for my life!
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
And next time please put a text between discussing my orgasms and discussing your son - that was weird.
I saw a 60 yr old mans penis last night. Just for the record.
Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.
I left the guinea pigs on the dryer. Make sure to take care of them.
We dropped so many bottles they would only give us plastic cups. We actually drank ourselves back to preschool.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
The neighbor just yelled bring me back that big red alien penis.
The girl neighbor.
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
He just stays over and makes naked pancakes in the morning
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
