atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
If my boyfriend wants to eat his own jizz after masturbating, what does that make him?
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.
you assured me you'd make it home safe because your pizza rolls were waiting up for you.
drunk pissing on my closed toilet lid is actually quite a sobering experience
He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy
A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.
I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Just had the "whores are people too" talk with Mom. Bright side it's Christmas, and I may have been drunk, I don't think she caught on.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
I don't need tinder boy anymore but I do need free sushi
Randomize
