I just walked in on my mom and dad......It wasn't my dad
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
So you know how craigslist used to have an "erotica" section? And how after you click on a link it changes a darker color? And how Dad stays up really late most nights?
Oh god... well at least he's gettin some. Mom's a prude.
I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog
She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?
We looked at pictures of a Texas banjo contest from 2006 for a half hour and then were surprised by who won. That stoned.
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
Are you still free tonight?
Oh shit I kinda forgot and took acid
What's his name?? He crossfits 6 times a week, works in finance & is into the occasional felony class drug. His name is irrelevant in order to know if I wanna bone him again.
I just realized I haven't got laid since the last time the Browns won.
For what it's worth, I didn't think that hitting you with a crowbar as hard as I did would break your arm like that. You should drink more milk.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
I've only fucked to 2 Fleetwood Mac songs, that must be why my life feels so empty.
Apparently i tried to feed this guy's piranhas my whole left arm.. according to him, i was "showing them whos boss, bc if they try to eat my arm, im guna punch their face"
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
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