My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
clay aiken is like melissa ehteridge without the guitar.
the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.
My dad just passed me a joint.. this is a turning point in my life.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I think Facebook knows you fucked me. All of a sudden I get everything you do in my news feed.
So much easier to puke and rally now that my gluten's under control
we are the apple cider girls!
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Finally hooked up with Ryan. Now I know why they call him “Beast Mode”. So. Many. Orgasms.
I kept yelling "BY ORDER OF THE PEAKY FUCKING BLINDERS" in a terrible brummie accent at everyone I saw wearing a flatcap.
I woke up in a bathtub full of green and blue Nickelodeon slime! wtf?!
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