A little girl and i are having a face making battle in mcdonalds
She started it, but I totally finished it.
What time do you think the pilgrims started drinking? I want to be as accurate as possible.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Giving my coworkers lap dances cuz it was my turn to decide our team bonding exercise. Go happy hour!
He started screaming "fuck me I'm Ryan Gosling" and proceeded to pick up the smallest guy at the party and carry him to bed.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
So both cops helped talk her into coming back into the bar and doing a shot with me. The main argument being, "a bar is no place to be sober!"
Yeah man... I ordered donuts, drank wine, and cried to a movie with Seth Rogen in it. Do you really think I have my shit together?
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
If I walk downstairs and Kelly is fucking in the laundry room again I'm gonna die
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
I just fucked her boyfriend. Happy birthday, bitch.
My dad just informed me that I may be entitled to $1700 worth of stimulus money... looks like that hitachi is coming sooner than later. Let's hope for the best!
I’m not sure she knows my name. She introduced me as “the fuck toy”
Randomize
