You were right, I'm so drunk and I want to eat the shit out of my vanilla cupcake candle it smells delish
Experience is the best teacher
I heard you threw up in your lap?
I heard that too.
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
Think of where it's been though. That Dr. Suess book, "Oh the Places You'll go" was written for his penis.
If you wondered to yourself today, "did Sarah break her bathing suit strap and flash a pool full of children," the answer is yes.
I am too drunk to be out in this weather around all these animals.
This is ridiculous. I’m in fucking college getting high off a potato.
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
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