I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
I wish I loved anything like you love Tequila.
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
I told myself this year would be different, I wouldn't get "pee in a fish tank drunk".. Got to the girls house... Fish tank in her room.. 2 years in a row.. had to keep the tradition going
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
You had sex with him AND his man bun. Like not just him but also the bun.
He's a waste of a perfectly good penis.
I hooked up with a sophomore, passed out at midnight, and apparently drunkenly peed on Nicole's wedding invitation
No. I don't like you. I like your penis. Chin up. At least I like part of you.
Randomize
