Apparently you make a good broom.
Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.
Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Alright I don't know how you'll link it to me but yes I left a nearly empty 12 pack on your trunk
get over here soon, theyre throwing bbeers at us from the roof. keyword : throwing
He corrected my use of grammar... I think we both know that means i have to sleep with him
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
I have 39 hot sauces from Chipotle
It's like earning obesity badges
Happy you have kids and I don't day!
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
I don't know if I'm dying or this is just a mild inconvenience
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
Randomize
